Keto, bitches

So, full disclosure: the scruffy-looking nerfherder already commented on how fussy I was first thing this morning.

Clearly I’m already anticipating the fun that will be the first few days of keto.

However! I’ve been considering the diet certain way of eating (CWOE) more and realized it actually aligns quite nicely with my other dietary restrictions. I suffer from pretty damn awful IBS and two summers ago, on the recommendation of my PCP, I did the low-FODMAP elimination diet to suss out my food triggers and I highly recommend it for those suffering the same. FODMAPs are highly fermentable sugars that can’t be properly absorbed into the intestinal wall by some people, so they collect and ferment, causing gas and bloating and abnormal stool patterns (never having a solid poop and going five times a day isn’t actually normal, come to find out–who knew?). They also become excess food for certain not so beneficial gut bacteria, causing their colonies to grow beyond the optimal range, in turn causing more intestinal upset.

Super fun times.

Anyway, turns out my system has major issues with lactose (dairy) and fructose (most fruit, honey, HFCS, etc.), and, to some extent, galactans (beans, legumes, etc.), meaning if I eat too much at a time or eat those foods on consecutive days, I pay for it. So I already tend to favour high-fat dairy, as it contains less lactose and doesn’t cause issues for me, and avoid many sources of sugar (do you know how hard it is to find commercial whole wheat bread made without honey or molasses? Really fucking hard. But I guess I don’t have to worry about that anymore, huh? *sob*). I struggle with the beans and legumes, though, because, ummmmmm, I fucking LOVE beans, dammit. And they’re high in protein and fiber, so I’ve always considered them a good food choice. But hot damn, if I eat hummus and bean burritos and bean salad and chili in the quantities I prefer, things get bad.

Real bad.

I’ve also never subscribed to low-fat/light/diet versions of foods because they taste like fucking ASS, and because I like to keep up on the latest research food/health/nutrition-wise, I realized years ago that fat does NOT make you fat and is NOT inherently bad for you (and to make up for the loss of taste, most low-fat foods are packed with excess sugar instead, which is WAY worse for you than fat). So our family already eats plenty of fat, which, turns out, is even better than I thought considering the possible benefits of keto. And as such, I feel like I’m fairly well primed to switch to keto already, so I’m actually somewhat less worried about it than I was previously.

BUT. But fucking BREAD, you guys. DAMMIT. I mean, pasta, yes. Will super miss it as well. But cutting out bread will be especially challenging for me because I actually LOVE to bake and make bread by hand. And, of course, I will still make homemade flatbread and English muffins and focaccia for my kids and potentially husband (he’s considering joining me on my keto quest, but we’ll see) because they love it and I love baking for them. But not being able to then shove fresh, warm, homemade bread in my bread-hole will be…hard. Very hard. At least at first. Apparently the cravings entirely go away after a certain point, so I very much look forward to that day. And I’m also trying to keep in mind that my orthopedist actually recommended cutting out gluten (wheat contains sugars called fructans), as it can have an inflammatory effect on osteoarthritis, so it may end up being a really positive move for me in several respects.

So, what the hell will I be eating? Well, for the basics I’m using this site as a reference, as it’s current and seems pretty evidence-based in general and has lots of recipes. And I’m not sure if I made it explicit in my post last night that I will be doing keto on an intermittent fasting schedule because it just seems to work best for me. I’m not naturally hungry in the morning anyway, and my bowels seem to be much happier when I don’t eat late in the evening. And apparently your appetite is so curbed on keto with all the fat in your diet that many people end up only eating once or twice a day anyway and, therefore, doing intermittent fasting whether they intend to or not. So, you know, seems to make sense all around at this point.

It’s not quite noon here in California, so all I’ve had so far is two cups of coffee (and our mugs are large and actually hold 16oz, so more like four cups of coffee if we’re being technical) with a bit of half and half (my only IF cheat, as it does net me some calories in the morning), plus a can of seltzer water with a squirt of MiO water enhancer, which is something I heard about recently and just picked up a few days ago. Basically it turns my fizzy water into an energy drink without adding any calories (and it’s not made with stevia, which tastes like ASS, or aspartame, which has been well studied and is totally safe for consumption, contrary to what many would have you believe, but is a trigger for my IBS, so wah-wah). I’m definitely still having Pepsi cravings, so this is my workaround for now. And my Monsters contain erythritol, a zero-calorie alcohol sugar, which is actually recommended as a sweetener on keto, so I’m good there. I’ve never been one to consume artificial sweeteners, but here we are, I guess.

For lunch, then, I will probably have a three-egg scramble or omelette with lots of butter in the pan, plus shredded Colby-Jack cheese and spinach. In the late afternoon/early evening, I’ll have a very large salad (the only way to do salad in my opinion) with mixed greens, hard-boiled egg, bacon, and a creamy avocado dressing. That’s all I have planned so far, and hopefully that’ll be enough for the day. We’ll see. I did buy some pork rinds in case I need an actual snack later because apparently they’re keto-approved. Who knew? I’ve literally never had a pork rind in my life, but I’m not sure how you can go wrong with salty, spicy, crunchy pork fat, so…

I’ll also have a Monster post-lunch, plus at least one more cup of coffee this afternoon/evening, plus at least one more can of enhanced fizzy water. I also bought some bullion cubes as recommend because apparently dehydration is a thing when you start keto, and sipping on bullion really helps. I also used to love making bullion with cubes to drink when I was a kid, so it’ll be somewhat comforting as well, I think.

I’m also not going to go crazy with checking my stats and, like, using urine strips to confirm ketosis or anything, but I will weigh myself and measure my waistline before lunch today so I have a documented starting point.

And there you have it!

Anyone wanna take a guess at the tone of tomorrow’s post?

Haha! Ahahaha! Haha. Hah. Hmmm.

Ugh…?

2 thoughts on “Keto, bitches

  1. You’ll be glad GF became trendy since that has greatly improved the GF offerings. When my kids were little, 2 tested allergic to wheat and wheat free was even harder to do then.

    Liked by 1 person

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